Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
