I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
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she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
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Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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