Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
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I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
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The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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