next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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