Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
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Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
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There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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