I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
