She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
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We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
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I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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