you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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