i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
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putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
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You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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