You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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