I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
there is glitter all over my balls
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