She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
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and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
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I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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