If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I will be naked everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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