the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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