im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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