i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
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I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
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party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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