I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I love you. Go after that dick
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
