I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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