He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
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She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
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I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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