I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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