Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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