it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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