so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
it's like heaven, but drunker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize