Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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