I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
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He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
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My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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