I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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