Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
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There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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