i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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