Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
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It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
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Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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