a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
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At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
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He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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