Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
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When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
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Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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