The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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