they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
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I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
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I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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