I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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