I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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