So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
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Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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