im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize