Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
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Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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