I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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