can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
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I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize