I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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