listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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