between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
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then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
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I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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