I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
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Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
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I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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