you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
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I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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