My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she told me i tasted like america
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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