The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
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Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
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Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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