Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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