i think i have two assholes
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
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I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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