I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize